There’s an old story about two young fish swimming along. An older fish swims by and says, “Morning, boys. How’s the water?”

The two young fish swim on for a bit. Then one looks at the other and asks, “What the hell is water?”

That story has stuck with me. It’s about the most obvious thing in our world—the thing we’re swimming in every single day—going completely unnoticed.

For us, that “water” is language. The words we use, the way we talk, the assumptions we make without even thinking. We swim in it all day, but rarely stop to ask: “What is this? Who does it work for? Who does it leave out?”

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Why It’s More Than Just “Being Polite”

I get it. Sometimes talking about language can feel like walking on eggshells. It gets labeled as “political correctness” or “wokeness” and gets dismissed as unnecessary or annoying.

But that misses the point entirely.

This isn’t about memorizing a list of “right” and “wrong” words. It’s about something much simpler, and much more human: noticing the water.

It’s about recognizing that the way you talk about your life, your family, your struggles—it might be completely different from how someone else talks about theirs. And if you don’t stop to listen, you might miss them entirely.

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Small Shifts That Change Everything

You don’t need a degree to do this. You just need to pay attention.

1. Let people name themselves. If someone tells you they’re a survivor, not a victim—use that word. If they tell you their child passed away, don’t say they “lost” them. If they tell you their pronouns are _they/them_, use them. It’s not about you being comfortable. It’s about them being seen.

2. Assume you don’t know the whole story. We all make guesses based on how people talk, look, or act. Try replacing those guesses with curiosity. Instead of thinking, “Why can’t they just fill out this form?” consider, “Maybe this form is harder to read than I realize.”

3. Remember: not everyone reads the same water. Literacy isn’t a given. Shame isn’t a teacher. If someone seems confused by paperwork or avoids reading in front of you, don’t assume laziness. Assume there might be a barrier you can’t see. Offer to read things aloud. Explain plainly. Make space without judgment.

4. Listen for the switch. Some people speak one way at work, another way at home. Some speak English in public, another language with family. That “code-switching” isn’t dishonesty—it’s survival. It’s adapting to water that wasn’t made for you. When someone relaxes into how they _really_ talk around you, it’s a gift. Don’t correct it. Honor it.

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This Isn’t Just for “Professionals”

You don’t have to be a therapist or a social worker for this to matter.

It matters when:

  • Your new coworker mentions their husband, and you assume it’s a “she.”
  • Your neighbor loses a parent, and you say, “At least they lived a long life.”
  • A friend shares a diagnosis, and you reply with unsolicited advice instead of, “Tell me what that’s like for you.”

It’s in the grocery line, at family dinner, in a text thread. It’s wherever people are trying to be understood.

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The Humility of Asking

The most powerful thing you can do is also the simplest: Ask, “What should I know about how to talk with you about this?”

It shows you see them. It shows you care more about getting it right than about being right.

We’re all just fish, swimming in different waters. Some waters are warm and familiar. Some are cold and foreign. Some are polluted with judgment, others are clear with kindness.

You don’t have to know every current. You just have to notice when someone’s swimming in something different than you are—and be willing to ask:

“Hey… what’s the water like for you?”

That’s how we learn to breathe in each other’s worlds.

_Adult literacy in the United States_. (2019, July). National Center for Education Statistics. https://nces.ed.gov/pubs2019/2019179/index.asp